The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (Conclusion)

If you like to read all the summaries from Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016), click HERE

The key to becoming a happier person right now is to build a better sets of values. When your values are realistic, constructive and completely under your own control, you will be able to lead a life filled with healthy challenges.

If you really want to gain the knowledge from this book, and apply it in real life. Then here’s a checklist for actions to take:

Sit Down Right Now and Make An Honest List of the Values and measuring systems you use to evaluate your life. Then go through the list and using Manson’s criteria, determine which are good and had values. Brainstorm how to change the bad values into good ones.

Take An Honest Look at How Your Thought Measure Up with Your Actions. Are you deluding yourself into thinking that you are extraordinary and exceptional when in reality you have not done anything?

Next Time You Run Up Against A Problem You Are Struggling to Solve, Don’t Just Sit There, Do Something – anything. Let your action lead to inspiration and motivation rather than waiting around for inspiration to strike.

Not Giving A F*ck!

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: ...And Then You Die (Chapter 9 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“The more I peer into the darkness, the brighter life gets, the quieter the world becomes, and the less unconscious resistance I feel to, well, anything.”

(Mark Manson)

This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, because human beings possess an innate terror of death. We are the only animals (writes Manson) able to contemplate our own mortality and it is all too easy to become obsessed with death terror, but paradoxically, this leads us to waste the time we have. Only once we become comfortable with death can we learn how to truly embrace the time we have.

And the only way to become comfortable with death is to concentrate on the legacy you want to leave behind – how do you want the world to have been changed by your presence. If you have good values, you want to leave the world better than you found it. This means believing in something bigger than yourself, and working to serve that something bigger. Some people find it in religion, others in community, but the point is to find it, and let it change your perception of death… to let it transform the way you view your life, said Manson.

Accept the fact that you are going to die.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: The Important of Saying NO (Chapter 8 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“Ultimately the only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance in one’s life is through a rejection of alternative, a narrowing of freedom, a choice of commitment to one place, one belief or (gulp) one person”

(Mark Manson)

By attempting to “have it all” you can easily end up having nothing. This is what Manson discovered after years of travelling the world, thinking he was living the high life. He would float from city to city, and from bed to bed, never staying long enough to commit to friends or lovers. But what he thought at first was freedom turned out to mean nothing. Eventually, Manson returned to the United States, settled down in one city and married to one woman. Giving up the idea of freedom he had held while travelling allowed him to develop a family and community that gave his life more meaning than ever before.

This is not to say that travelling is not valuable, or that everyone ought to commit to family life. Rather, it means that at some point you have to choose what is important to you and discard what is not important. Manson realized that family and community was important, and therefore he had to say no to travel around the globe. Rejecting certain choices defined Manson – he created a new identity for himself based on what he discarded.

F#ck! Learn how and when to say – NO.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: Failure Is the Way Forward (Chapter 7 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“You can become your own source of inspiration. You can become your own source of motivation. Action is always within reach. And with simply doing something as your only metric for success – well, then even failure pushes you forward”

(Mark Manson)

Manson considers himself extremely fortunate that he graduated college in 2007, right before the job market tanked. After all, if he had never hit rock bottom, he would never have had the courage to start his own online business. Many would have considered freshly graduated Manson to be a failure, but Manson had his own metric of success: for him, giving up on his dreams and accepting a ‘safe’ job would have meant failing. Struggling for a few years with no money was not failing.

Just as there is no happiness without problems, there are no improvements without thousands of tiny failures. After all, children fall thousands of times when learning to walk, but they get back up and try again. Avoiding failure is a learned behaviour, and it is one that we must break ourselves of in order to move forward and improve. Again, this depends on setting good values for ourselves (see previous article) – actions that we take every day to improve our lives.

Embracing failure will often mean suffering pain and discomfort and fear. Manson gives this advice for dealing with fear of failure; when you are stuck on a problem, don’t just sit there. Do something. The answers will follow. Action is not just the effect of motivation, but also the cause of motivation.

Accept that failure and pain are inherent components

of an active life.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: You're Wrong About Everything... But So Am I (Chapter 6 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“Being wrong opens us up to the possibility of change.
Being wrong brings the opportunity for growth”

(Mark Manson)

Learning is not the process of going from wrong to right: it is the process of evolving from very wrong to less wrong. This is because learning is an endless process. Rather than obsessing over finding the one right answer, Manson recommends that we visualize ourselves chipping away at the ways that we are wrong so that with each passing day, we are less wrong.

Certainty is a fallacy that prevents us from seeking new way to grow. If we are certain that no one will ever find us attractive, we prevent ourselves from seeking a romantic partner who accepts us as we are. If we are certain that a new experience will be painful, we miss out on the chance to see if it could actually become a positive, learning experience. Our minds and emotions are often faulty. Our brains and memories are imperfect and subject to a thousand forms of self-sabotage. Without constantly questioning ourselves and our beliefs, we risk becoming destructive in our zeal to prove ourselves right. Uncertainty prompts us to explore and progress towards being less wrong.

Manson’s advice is harsh: We have to kill ourselves. Not physically, but psychologically. Who we are changes every day as we process new data from our experiences. If a person is afraid to let go of their old self, they never develop a new, better self. In every situation, we must ask ourselves if we might be wrong, what it would mean if we were wrong, and what kind of problems – good or bad – might result from our wrongness.

F*ck! Acknowledge that you are often wrong,

And that learning is just the process of becoming “less wrong.”

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: You Always Choosing (Chapter 5 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“Whether we like it or not,
we are always taking an active role in what’s occurring to and within us”

(Mark Manson)

When we feel miserable about our lives, it is often because we are not in control – someone or something has hijacked us and is forcing us through a series of bad situations. However, when we know that our problems are of our own choosing, we feel empowered. We might still have a lot of work to do, and even some pain, but we feel in control of that struggle.

Manson tells the story of William James, a man who suffered of lot of setbacks in life including disease and disability. Much of what happened to James was not his fault, but he suffered for it all the time. James was on the brink of suicide when he decided to try an experiment: for one year, James decided to take responsibility for everything that happened to him, whether or not it was his fault. Eventually, he went on to become the father of American psychology.

Things happen to us that are out of our control, but Manson reminds us that our interpretation of these things is always under our control. Taking responsibility for our own experiences gives us power. It also helps us to realize that we cannot control anyone else –we can only control how we respond to the other people in our lives. This is often tricky, such in the face of tragedy. Events like cancer, tsunamis and car crashes happen to people every day, and those people did not choose to be affected. However, they must choose how to proceed.

F*ck! Take responsibility for everything that happens in your life.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: The Value of Suffering (Chapter 4 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“If what we value is unhelpful, if what we consider success/failure is poorly chosen, then everything based upon those values – the thoughts, the emotions, the day-to-day feelings – will be all out of whack.”

(Mark Manson)

Not all problems are bad. In fact, problems are necessary for cultivating happiness. However, this does not mean that all problems are good. Sometimes we find ourselves confronted with bad problems, and inevitably these problems are a result of bad values. To illustrate this point, Manson uses contrasting anecdotes:

The first is the story of Dave Mustaine, a guitarist who was kicked out of the band Metallica just as they were poised for their big break. Mustaine vowed that he would start his own band and become more successful than the band who had snubbed him. He went on to form Megadeth, a band that sold over 25 million albums. However, even as a famous millionaire, Mustaine still felt like a failure because Metallica had gone on to sell over 150 million albums. By anyone else’s standards or values, Mustaine was successful, but by his own values, he was a loser.

The second story is of Pete Best, the drummer who was kicked out of The Beatles just as they were poised on the brink of success. Best did not go on to become a famous musician, but he eventually considered himself to be a great success and said that getting kicked out of The Beatles was the best thing that could have happened to him, because it lead to him meeting his wife and starting a family. The difference between Mustaine and Best is that Best chose better values with which to measure failure/success.

Manson defines bad values as superstitious, socially destructive and not immediate or controllable. For example, Mustaine’s values were to become better than Metallica. But Mustaine could not ultimately control which band became more popular. On the flip side, Manson defines good values as: 1) Reality-based, 2) Socially-Constructive, and 3) Immediate and Controllable. For example, Best probably valued spending time with his family – something he was able to control every day of his life and which helped his family bonds grow stronger.

Good values include things like honesty, creativity and charity. Bad values include things like becoming rich or being better than someone else. Choosing good values means choosing good problems. Valuing honesty sometimes means having painful or awkward confrontations, but these confrontations will lead to growth and healing, whereas lies would have “spiralled into destruction and a loss of trust.” In order to avoid bad problems, we must take the time to define our values and determine whether they fit the criteria to be good values.

Fill your life with good problems based on good values,

rather than bad problems on bad values.

F**k, bad values!

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: You Are Not Special (Chapter 3 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“It turn out that merely feeling good about yourself doesn’t really mean anything unless you have a good reason to feel good about yourself.”

(Mark Manson)

In the 1960s, a trend began in psychology focused on helping people develop higher self-esteem. The theory was that people who felt good about themselves would perform better and cause fewer problems. School, churches and companies began employing this theory. People were bombarded with messages telling them that they were all exceptional and capable of achieving greatness.

The huge problem is that many people take this message and believe it – but never actually do anything to make themselves exceptional or successful. They talk a big talk, but do no walking to back it up. These people are entitled and delusional in their confidence in themselves to the point of self-destructive – and often other-destructive – narcissism. And sometimes it happens the other way round. People who suffer traumatic experiences or huge failures or disappointments start believing that they are special because of their pain. They brand themselves as victim. These people are also entitled, in that they feel entitled to bad behaviour because they have been victimized. Both of these forms of entitlement lead people to hugely selfish behaviour and demands that the world revolve around them and their feelings (social media is the best examples).

And it doesn’t help that we are constantly bombarded with examples of extraordinary and exceptional on TV and the internet. When we compare ourselves and our accomplishments to what we see, we feel average – an average has become the new standard of failure. But the idea that everyone can be extraordinary is simply impossible – if everyone is something, than that thing by definition is ordinary.

Constantly striving to be extraordinary and exceptional is very bad for mental health, and the cure is to accept that much of what you do and who you are is ordinary and average. Manson compares this to eating your veggies – embracing the bland truths of life in order to grow healthier and stronger. Bottom line? By accepting that not everything you do has to be extraordinary, you regain your appreciation for the simple joys and beauties found throughout your life.

F*ck, Stop Thinking that You Are Special

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: Happiness Is A Problem (Chapter 2 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“Dissatisfaction and unease are inherent parts of human nature
and necessary components to creating consistent happiness.”
(Mark Manson)

                                       

The second chapter starts off with the story of a prince whose father decided to shield him from all human suffering – to keep him within the confines of the palace grounds and surrounded by luxury; so far away from the poor and hungry that he never even knew they existed. One day the prince discovered what his father had done and was horrified by the state of the world he found outside his pain-free, problem-free bubble. So, the prince began to believe that he could achieve happiness by stripping himself of all of his worldly pleasures, and then replacing those luxuries with a life full of suffering.

But that didn’t work either.

Eventually this prince became known as the Buddha, and his philosophy – that pain and loss are an inherent part of the human existence and shouldn’t be resisted – swept across the globe and continues to be widely practiced today. The actionable insight here is this: We can choose happiness every day of our lives, rather than imagining that we will eventually, someday, be happy. So, pause for just a moment – right here and right now – and make a deliberate decision that, from here on out, you will defeat “someday syndrome” by choosing to be happy right now. Stop saying, “someday I’ll be happy when I can get X or do Y,” and that you will instead start choosing to be happy right now – on a moment to moment basis – regardless of what’s going on in your life.

Discover happiness through the process of consistently solving your problems.

Don’t Give A F*ck!

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: Don't Try (Chapter 1 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience”

(Mark Manson)

The author introduce his book with the story of a man who, for the majority of his life, was a complete failure and a loser. Eventually, this man – Charles Bukowski – found success in his writing career. But that didn’t really make him much less of a loser-like behaviours that had become a habit for much of his adult life – getting drunk every night, spending his time with prostitutes, and exposing himself in public, just to name a few.

Interestingly enough, when Bukowski died, the epitaph engraved on his tombstone said: “Don’t Try.” This advice and Bukowski’s story, completely flies in the face of the thousands of books, movies and seminars that all preach that if you don’t give up, you can overcome your shortcomings and become great. But Manson tells us that this supposedly positive self-help advice is actually contributing to your unhappiness because it highlights everything that you lack, essentially saying that in order to improve, you have to feel really bad about yourself first.

Manson insists that the conventional “think positive” approach teaches us that we need to give a fuck about too many things – nice cars, perfect bodies, the biggest house, the most attractive family, etc. And every day we are bombarded with images from our TV and smartphone screens that show us other people that have these kinds of amazing lives. We begin to believe that feeling anxious or sad or unsatisfied is simply unacceptable at all times, which makes us feel even worse for feeling these emotions.

So Manson has an alternative theory. Since the desire for a better life actually has a negative effect on our emotions, we should instead accept the negative aspects of our life. Doing this will lead to a more positive experience, because as soon as we stop fearing the pain of our negative experiences, we are able to truly challenge ourselves without allowing anything to hold us back. Don’t try to achieve happiness by escaping the negative aspects of your life, but rather by embracing them. “To not give a fuck is to stare down life’s most terrifying and difficult challenges and still take actions.”

Manson is quick to clarify that he does not mean that a person should be indifferent to everything in life – those kinds of people are known as psychopaths. Rather than being indifferent, we should learn how to be comfortable with being different. This means not caring what someone thinks of our outfit or our choice of career – standing by our choices in the face of adversity. And to stare down adversity, we must first learn how to care about something bigger than adversity – rising above the trivial annoyances of our lives in order to find a problem worth “giving a fuck about.” And we do control what we give a fuck (care a lot) about.

Bottom line? You have the choice to care or not to care about the things that happen in your life. So you need to choose to care about something that’s really and truly important. Manson writes, “Choose to give a fuck only about the things that are truly important.”

Don’t Give A F*ck!