The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: You Always Choosing (Chapter 5 Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life (2016) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“Whether we like it or not,
we are always taking an active role in what’s occurring to and within us”

(Mark Manson)

When we feel miserable about our lives, it is often because we are not in control – someone or something has hijacked us and is forcing us through a series of bad situations. However, when we know that our problems are of our own choosing, we feel empowered. We might still have a lot of work to do, and even some pain, but we feel in control of that struggle.

Manson tells the story of William James, a man who suffered of lot of setbacks in life including disease and disability. Much of what happened to James was not his fault, but he suffered for it all the time. James was on the brink of suicide when he decided to try an experiment: for one year, James decided to take responsibility for everything that happened to him, whether or not it was his fault. Eventually, he went on to become the father of American psychology.

Things happen to us that are out of our control, but Manson reminds us that our interpretation of these things is always under our control. Taking responsibility for our own experiences gives us power. It also helps us to realize that we cannot control anyone else –we can only control how we respond to the other people in our lives. This is often tricky, such in the face of tragedy. Events like cancer, tsunamis and car crashes happen to people every day, and those people did not choose to be affected. However, they must choose how to proceed.

F*ck! Take responsibility for everything that happens in your life.

How to Choose Optimism #6 Don't Believe It Was Better Before ('Carpe Diem')

Being optimistic means living in the present without constantly encumbering ourselves with the idea that it was better before or that happiness will come later. Said French philosopher Andre Comte-Sponville, “There is no point in hoping for what one doesn’t have without enjoying what one does have.” By not being fully in the moment we may miss satisfying experiences.

It is a philosophy of happiness. It’s in the here and now, in the carpe diem (‘seize the day’) of the ancients, that you should learn from your failures and successes, improve yourself, not pass up opportunity and, of course, never put things off. What you do today determines what will happen tomorrow. Your decisions and actions influence your tomorrow in some way. So, if you want to have more success, a better relationship, a healthier body, or anything else, then make the most of today and do the things that will help you get where you want to be…

…don’t believe it was better before

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

How to Choose Optimism #5 Put Things in Perspective

Why take the full force of everything that happens to us? Instead, take a step back and put an event into perspective by comparing it with others that we have experienced. That’s not distancing ourselves from reality – it’s actually giving its rightful place. To those who doubt this, I recommend listening to the stories of people who had cancer from early period and who were fighting and even finding new reasons to live and hope. I’ve been with students at hospital and most of them displayed incredible desire to improve their mindsets.

Joel Osteen, a motivational teacher, once said: “Nothing happens to you, it happens for you. See the positive in negative events.” When things happen “to” you, you feel helpless and victimized. However, if you look at things as happening “for” you, then you take some of your power back. This allows you to look at the lessons and blessings (a.k.a. silver linings) within anything you might experience. Give the right and positive perspective from your experience.

How important are your frustrations and upsets, really?

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

How to Choose Optimism #4 Take Responsibilty for Your Life (or Response Wisely)

Most of us don’t take our annoyances on family, friends or colleagues. We spare them. To compensate, we become mistrustful of the world. We construct a virtual world in which everything interpreted negatively, inflating fears about crime and murders, even when there is little (actually reported crime rates are dropping worldwide, check this fact). Over the past 20 years in opinion polls, unemployment is always rising even when it’s falling, and consumer purchasing power is always decreasing even when it’s increasing.

The exaggeration of risks and suffering is a collective phenomenon, and can affect us individually. Struggling to make ends meet? Start by not exaggerating the suffering. Consider also what’s going well, what you’ve achieved. Instead of complaining, look around you for people who have had similar problems and may be able to help you.

If something is wrong at home or work, it’s your responsibility (or you’re capable of responding differently). You are the principal solution. I’m trying to make you guilty, I want you to be responsible.

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

How to Choose Optimism #3 Maintain Your Desire to Learn

Pessimists lack curiosity. They miss opportunities to discover something new, to meet someone new, to read new books. On the other hand, optimists are curious about almost everything. Curiosity is the cornerstone of knowledge. The desire to learn is a way of controlling our ego, the temptation to think, “I know it all.” Acquiring skills, including technical ones, broadens our horizon and makes us happier.

Progressing rewards us for our efforts, counterbalancing setbacks and frustrations. Make great discoveries or set yourself small challenges. The crucial thing is to remain alert.

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

How to Choose Optimism #2 Don't Simply Count on Good Luck

After a setback, many people tell themselves: “I’m not lucky.” But there’s no such thing as luck. People who are thought to be lucky go out to meet what Niccolò Machiavelli, the philosopher called good fortune. They take initiatives and make contact with many people, increasing their chances of finding reliable friends, a job, even business/ministry opportunities. It is energy – not luck. It is willpower, the spirit of conquest, moving forward. It’s crucial to never lose your motivations.

Don’t believe luck is always with you. Let’s say you present a project. Everything is going wonderfully. But nothing comes of it. The explanation is simple: the person you were talking to is not interested but does not wish to upset you or waste his time discussing it. By contrast, many proposals that get a negative response end up having a positive outcome.

The basic principle: nothing is ever going as well as we think, but nothing is ever going as badly, either. Optimists know nothing can be taken for granted, that everything has to be earned. So work hard!

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

How to Choose Optimism #1 Cultivate Positive Thinking

It’s better for our health to seek positive emotions – affection, joy, satisfaction. The links between the heart and brain are well established. A single positive thought can trigger beneficial neurotransmitters and hormones. Oxytocin is the hormone of love, pleasure and orgasm. Serotonin regulates our mood positively. Dopamine stimulates and encourages us. A thought, look or smile is enough to bring down our blood pressure, and make us feel better.

Test these scientific principles. When you wake up, dwell a moment on a dream, or something pleasant. When you arrive at work, forget your dreadful journey or the bad weather. Share something positive. When a friend or college look at you, smile and say hi or wave. In these moments, you’ll feel your face relax and a good mood take hold.

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)