12 Rules for Life #9 Assume that the Person You are Listening to Might Know Something You Don't (Summary)

This is a chapter-by-chapter summary of a book by Jordan B. Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos (2018) series. One chapter, one article. Read this summary, buy the book. Enjoy!

“The great majority of us could not listen; we would find ourselves compelled to evaluate because listening would seem too dangerous. So the first requirement is courage, and we do not always have it.”

(Carl Rogers)

When people argue about something, they often fall in the trap of trying to win over that argument and miss the true point of a good conversation. That is to come-out-wiser-than-you mentality when into it. First of all, winning over an argument does not necessarily mean that your thinking was smarter. If you happen to be more verbally fluent than the others, chances are against him even though he might be wiser than you, because as long as he cannot express his opinions with ease he can’t win because you don’t give him fair chances to win. And as mentioned before: “It’s not about winning.”

The best thing to do is to take a good advantage of what someone is trying to tell you. Give him or her a chance to fully explain and make you understand what he or she is exactly thinking. Who knows maybe, in the end, you could find his or her ideas or suggestions better than some of yours and prevent you from facing future problems. “If you listen, instead, without premature judgment, people will generally tell you everything they are thinking—and with very little deceit. People will tell you the most amazing, absurd, interesting things.” Peterson even says to “listen to your enemies.” Surely, they will lie about you, but also be sure that they will be frank about things that your friends might not see or don’t dare to tell you. Learn to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Beyoncé sang, “Listen!”

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People #5 Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood

An effective way to build a Win-Win situation or any type of good relationship with people is to first seek to understand them. In order to do this, you have to improve your listening skills. As Covey states, there are 4 stages of listening:

1. Ignoring

2. Pretending to Listen

3. Attentive Listening

4. Empathic Listening

To reach the 4^th level (Emphatic Listening) means that you are inside someone else’s frame of reference by ‘listening’ to their body language, tone, expression, and feelings. This is the first big step for productive communication and interaction.

We often get up to the 3^rd stage (Attentive Listening) of listening and we are under the impression that this is always more than enough. Consequently, we have these autobiographical responses:

a) Evaluate    (agree or disagree)

b) Probe        (ask questions from our own frame of reference)

c) Advice       (give counsel based on our own experience)

d) Interpret   (explain people’s actions based on our own motivations)

These responses don’t always reach and satisfy other people’s needs. On the other hand, by listening empathically (4^th level), we can get beyond a surface-level, transactional exchange and have a real impact. By deeply understanding other people’s issues and satisfying their needs, then we can move onto being productive and be understood by them too. When we rush in response without understanding first, it’s similar to this:

Suppose you’ve been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you. “Put these on,” he says, “I’ve worn this pair of glasses for 10 years now and they’ve really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these.” So, you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse. “This is terrible!” you exclaim. “I can’t see a thing!” “Well, what’s wrong?” he asks. “They work great for me. Try harder.” “I’m trying,” you insist, “Everything is a blur.” “Well, what’s the matter with you? Think positively.” “Okay, I positively can’t see a thing.” “Boy, you are ungrateful!” he chides, “And after all, I’ve done to help you!”

What are the chances you’d go back to that optometrist the next time you need help? Not very good, I would imagine. You don’t have much confidence in someone who doesn’t diagnose before he or she prescribes. This is, of course, a symbolic example, nothing that would happen when visiting a doctor, but you get the picture.

Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Change Your Life: Listen with Empathy and Openness (Don't Rush to Give Advice)

“It is the province of knowledge to speak,

And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen”
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

I’m still learning this: the key to providing emotional and moral support to people in need, is the ability to listen to what they are saying. When others need our help, my instincts, our instinct is to rush in and provide comfort and practical advice. But no matter how valuable the knowledge that we wish to share, no matter how well intentioned our desire to help, our first obligation is to provide the space and the opportunity for others to share experiences, feelings and thoughts. We need to beware of our inclination to think about our response while others are speaking, jump to complete their sentences, or interject with our advice – even if it is the best advice possible.

Learning from the experience and advice of others is extremely important – it is one of principal ways in which we grow as individuals and humankind. But it usually works only if those receiving the advice feel that they have been heard. Once a student told earnestly to me, “Thank you for listening to me.” I didn’t give any advice, I just listened and I asked questions. Well, if advice is needed and necessary, then give advice. But first – listen.

In the early 1970s, Robert Greenleaf coined the term Servant Leadership after noticing that the great leaders throughout history spoke and acted as servants. According to Greenleaf and other leadership scholars, one of the core characteristics of servant leaders is that they listen first and talk later. In fact, in become a servant leader, Greenleaf argued, a person has to go through “a long arduous discipline of learning to listen, a discipline sufficiently sustained that the automatic response to any problem is to listen first.” First we need to learn how to listen.

Don’t rush to give advice,

Listen with empathy and openness

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

 References:

1. Choose the Life You Want: 101 Ways to Create You Own Road to Happiness by Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD (New York: The Experiment, 2012) Buy this book!

2. On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy by C.R. Rogers (Boston: Mariner Books, 1995)

Nurture Creativity: Listen to Jason Mraz (or if You Prefer, Classical Music)

“When I sit down to write a song,

I really want the message of healing to thrive and transcend all ages”

(Jason Mraz)

Are you stuck of idea? Are you feeling overwhelmed and having a mental block? Do you feel the least bit creative? Then it’s time to get your creative juices flowing by listening to music. There are so many different things you can do such as take a walk, read a book or magazine, watch TV or movie, chat or talk to a friend. But let me focus on something that Albert Einstein loved to do – listen to music. When I read about Einstein I noticed that he listened to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Einstein have good taste of music after all.

The Mozart Effect by Howard Wright, author of 100 Great Innovation Ideas (Marshall Cavendish Business, 2012)

A Study conducted by a French researcher, Dr. Alfred A. Tomatis, and published in his 1991 book Pourquoi Mozart? found that listening to Mozart promoted healing and the development of the brain. Another study in 1993 by Shaw Rauscher, found that listening to Mozart helped with ‘spatial intelligence’ although it also showed that the enhancing effect of the music was only temporary. Although there are differing views on the benefits of classical and other types of music, the sheer act of sitting down and listening is enough to provide you with the time and space to think. If the music helps to stimulate ideas, it’s even better.

But probably you don’t like classical music. Listening to Mozart probably not you. I understand. At first I don’t like it either. Maybe you like to listen to rock music or traditional music or jazz or pop, whatever music that inspires and motivates you. Music has different effects on different people, so don’t think you have to cultivate a love for classical music just because I suggests you so. For me, Mozart is fine but I prefer Jason Mraz more. He wrote songs that have souls, great soothing voice, meaningful and heart-piercing lyrics. Mraz blend with his guitar so well that you can rely on the quality of his music either from studio recordings or live on stage. Most important of all, listen to Jason Mraz can be relaxing and therapeutic and help to clearing my mind of clutter. I can better concentrate and stimulate ideas (But I always end up sing along, whatever).

Listen to Mozart. Listen to Jason Mraz. Listen to music that will inspire you. Find your own music that suite you (btw, solitude is fine too). Find music that helps get you in that creative space, stick with it and listen to it over and over whenever you need to be in a creative frame of mind. This is important: Once you find the music that inspires and sparks your creativity, keep listening to it whenever you want ideas to flow. Say politely ‘Excuse me,’ grab that headphones and turn on the music!

Listen to music.
Listen to be in a creative frame of mind.

God, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

The Art of Touching, Tasting and Smelling Creatively

Average human “looks without seeing, listens without hearing,

touches without feeling, eats without tasting, moves without physical awareness,

inhales without awareness of odour or fragrance, and talks without thinking”

(Leonardo da Vinci)

Creativity also can be enhance and increase through our senses of touch, taste and smell. All these senses – including visual and sound – will bring impact on our creativity. When you touch, don’t forget to feel it. When you eat, try to taste it. When you breathe, aware of smell around you. “If we use all five senses – scent, sight, sound, touch, and taste – to stimulate our minds while working,” explain Jane Porter, writer for Fast Company website, “then this may spark more creativity.” Remember, idea is all around you.

Touch

I cannot work in a very cool environment. When I go to the state library, I will take a walk every half an hour for 3-5 minutes to get myself warm. In my office, if nobody is around I prefer to use fan. At home, open windows is good enough. Temperature surround our environment impacts our focus and work performance. Keep our office too cold or too hot may cause errors and inefficiency in the workplace. Sense of touch really can affect us. Another example, if you wear your watch on the other hand for a day or switching your wallet from your right pocket to your left, these adjustments of daily routines can stimulate creativity too. Learn to touch creatively and really feeling it.

Taste

Jane Porter writes, “The connection between food and your mood has been demonstrated across studies over the years. Incorporating fruits, green vegetables, and complex carbohydrates into your diet helps with energy and focus. Fill your body with junk, and your mind likely won't be running on the best fuel.” For me, coffee (not a junk!) is my idea-mood booster. Some suggest a wee bit of alcohol can boost creativity because it helps block out the rational left brain. But when we are at the office, coffee or tea, is preferable. And powerful too. Try this also, eat a fruit – for example, apple. Look at it in your hand and then slowly put it in your mouth and close your eyes. Notice everything as it hits your tongue. Don't chew it yet. See how long you can go just tasting it. Your mouth should water with anticipation as you continue to roll it on your tongue, sucking and tasting the sweetness of that apple. When you start to chew it be aware of everything that you taste. Do you realize how good apple is? Learn to taste and really tasting it.

Smell

I like to go to Starbuck and order my favourite thick-black coffee. Even if I don’t buy, I sometime pretend to look around the shop but secretly I sniff for that amazing aromatic strong smell of coffee brewing. Oh so nice! (I’m not an addict-er, mind you, I’m simply a passionate coffee lover). Often when I need to refocus and attract inspiration, I just smell the coffee, which I find very helpful for me to stimulate my thoughts. Books also can create such stimulation for me. Maybe you like the smell of tea or flower or fresh oceanic air or perfume candle, use it to stimulate your focus and creativity. Put it somewhere close to you. Creativity must smell good! Find your stimulus and really smelling it. Enjoy!

Utilizing the sense of touching, tasting and smelling (hearing and seeing too) are the easiest way to instantly tap into our own creative potential. By experiencing and experimenting with different sensations, we open ourselves up to new ideas. Like what Leonardo da Vinci like to say it: “The five senses are the ministers of the soul.”

Idea is all around you

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

The Art of Hearing Creatively

Average human “looks without seeing, listens without hearing, touches without feeling,

eats without tasting, moves without physical awareness,

inhales without awareness of odour or fragrance, and talks without thinking”

(Leonardo da Vinci)

We love to talk and are often too busy thinking about what we’re going to say next, or too desperate to get our own voices heard. We forget to stop and listen to what the other person is saying. Basically, in general, we lost the art of listening to God, to our inner voices, to one another, to nature and everything around us. We “listens without hearing.” Therefore, to unleash our creativity, we need to learn to listen and really hearing what’s being said, taking it in, paying attention and thinking about it. Ideas is all around us.

Wily W.Walnut, creative coach, writes, “If you can learn to really listen to the sounds of people's voices, the way in which they say things, you will deduce things that others miss.” In the same way, like people’s voices, if we listen carefully to the music that we adore, nature and sounds around us, we may hear things that people might often ignored. When we listen, we open doors for many ideas to flow. The practise of listening will gives birth to some potential avenues for ideas interaction and for the development of new ideas. Listening, I think, is the cornerstone of creative activity.

Do you know how I come out with ideas and motivations to write this blog? One of it is through listening. Literally, I listen to audiobooks or audio talks every day. I listen to music, stories, sermons, talks, seminars and conferences such as Talks at Google, TED Talks, The RSA, Big Think, Ideas at The House, etc. Sometime I simply ‘steals’ people’s ideas during conversations, modified it and come out with new and better ideas.  “I like to listen,” explained Ernest Hemingway, “I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” Maybe you can try these “hearing” exercises to increase your creativity. Remember, ideas is all around you.

§  First, detox your hearing! Turn off or go off from your gadgets and just breathe. Be silent. Refresh your ears every day.

§  Pause in the midst of your daily life and just listen. Just become aware of all the different sounds that you can hear. Sort through the sound and identify as many unique sounds as you can.

§  Really sit down with headphones and listen to your favourite audio lessons or songs. For example, if you hear a song, don't sing along. Just listen. Try to hear the sounds in the track as purely as possible. Let them be. Let them emerge as they wish to and you just follow along.

§  Expand your musical tastes. Varied your music genre. Try to enjoy Beethoven and Jason Mraz.

§  Go online. Download free audiobooks, sermons, and talks and plug your earphone. Listen and learn.

§  Buy yourself a cup of coffee or peanuts and listen to people talking and chatting. You can do this in the mall, public park, sidewalk or on the street. And if you dare, you may want to spark a conversation with strangers. Listen to what they say.

§  Go out into nature. Listen. Let it teach you.

Listen and really hearing. Idea is all around you.

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

Characteristics of a Creative Person #2: Open to as Many Alternatives as Possible

“The best way to get a good idea is to get a lots of ideas”

(Linus Pauling)

People who are closed off to new ideas and suggestions don’t make many friends. They also don’t make good bosses, employees, spouses, parents, teachers, ministers, youth workers, etc. Creative people are never threatened by new ideas. On the contrary, they encourage new ideas and outlooks. A creative person appropriates time to hear and absorb new and off-beat solutions.

Listening and considering the new and the unorthodox doesn’t mean that you must act irresponsibly and do weird things just to call yourself creative and inquisitive. You might end up adopting very little of what you hear and learn. However, being open to the earth-shattering proposal when and if it comes is how you make opportunity in life. As you know, people can’t actually manufacture opportunities. Making opportunity in life refers to the manner of living that remains open and ready to great new ideas when they emerge. Being vigilant and prepared is impossible when your eyes, ears and mind are closed.

Creative people are open to as many alternatives as possible

Lord, Give Us Today Our Daily Idea(s)

*I recommend you to read Danny Cox and John Hoover’s Seize the Day (Book-mart Press, 1994), “Step Two: Developing Strengths” page 77-118.